Monday, February 27, 2017

Money. Credit. Debt. Cash. Greed. Desire. Isolation. Lonliness.

[Most posts on this blog are for you. This one is for me. This shit is therapeutic. In otherwords, it may be tedious and a bit boring at times.]        

      "All earthly joy begins pleasantly, but at the 
                                                     end it gnaws and kills."
                                                                                                                             - Thomas a’Kempis

*Not my actual setup, just my dream setup
When did This Madness Begin?
Was it that fateful day over five years ago when I signed up for five credit cards, bringing on thousands in debt? Was it that day I sat down to 'check my facebook and ended up shopping online for ten hours straight? Was it when I broke past the point of having three hard drives hooked up to my Xbox One, needed just to be able to hold the 450+ games I've bought, most of them blindly? Or maybe it was the day I started buying dozens of Blu-Ray copies of movies I already owned on DVD because I felt '1080p' was a necessity?

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when I went from 'collector' to 'relentless obsessive-compulsive shopper who shows no mercy', but this past Christmas I spent a bit over 1,200 (cash, debit and credit) on presents for my family (and pets). A few weeks after Christmas, when the magic left the air and the bills started to come was when I was pretty sure I needed to make some changes. Easier said than done, as I would soon find out.
Now I realize this might be a little trickier conveying to you how this feels than the times I told you 'I have OCD so I wash my hands 'till I bleed' or when I said 'I have Asperger's so I creep girls out.' I know this one may be much harder for me to convey, with the depth of pain and suffering this problem has brought on. Shit, it's hard for me for me to even get a grasp on and be able use the right words to explain this devil. Well... I'm going to try.


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Coming to Terms

I've begun to realize something this Valentine's Day.

I used to think God kept dealing me shitty hands all my life, with never making any female progress. I didn't realize that a girl wasn't even ever in my deck.

I always made excuses for being alone. But none of them were true. It's not because I'm fat or ugly or not rich or age or anything else. It's not because she's a bitch, it's not because I creeped her out. It's not her job, it's not my job, and it's not because of either of our strengths in our religion.

I've been waiting 15 years for something that I could wait a hundred more years for and it still wouldn't happen.

Sometimes lately I've gotten sad thinking about how I was relatively close to being close to being an age that shouldn't have kids. But I'm not going to have kids.

For almost my entire fucking life I've been sitting there hung up and distraught over not having any of the things that I structured my entire life and actions around trying to acquire. But it was all fiction.

I've just been sitting here pissed all the time, thinking my "Asperger's" was fucking me over. I have forgot that it's not just Asperger's. It's autism. I might as well have down syndrome and be trying to hit on these girls I think about in my life.

What I chose to live my life for was a lie the entire time. Yes, you may say you've heard of a bunch of people with autism who have husbands or wives. Well I've also heard of a bunch of people who feel really strongly that The Human Centipede should have won the Oscar for best picture... Does that analogy even work? Fuck it, nobody cares or is reading anymore.

I've wanted to get her for so so long. She was never mine to get.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

My Decades as Valentine's Reject

"I want to help you, but I don't know how. I want to soothe you but I can't speak out.
I have many fears about rejection, I have many memories of pain.
I have always been a little shy, so I'll turn and look the other way. Other way, other way.
I want to hold you, but I am afraid. I want to touch you, but I'm not that way.
I have many doubts about my motives, I have many fears about my greed.
I have always hurt the one that I love, so I'll turn and look the other way. Other way, other way."

Weezer - The Other Way

 "...Do you know what it's like to care too much, about someone that you're never going to get to touch?..."
Eels - Hey Man
"If there's any bitches in this room, then there's something I gotta say.
For all the fools who fell for the first girl who comes their way.
I've been down that road and now I'm back, sitting on square one.
Trying to pick myself up, where to start frommm..."

Eminem - Spend Some Time
"Her name is Noelle. I have a dream about her, she rings my bell. I got gym class in half an hour.
Oh how she rocks. In Keds and tube socks. But she doesn't know who I am.
And she doesn't give a damn about me. 'Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby.
Come listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me.

Her boyfriend's a dick. And he brings a gun to school, and he'd simply kick
my ass if he new the truth he lives on my block. And he drives an Iroc.
But he doesn't know who I am. And he doesn't give a damn about me.
'Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby. Come listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me.

Man I feel like mold. It's prom night and I am lonely.
Lo and behold. She's walking over to me. This must be fake. My lip starts to shake.
How does she know who I am? And why does she give a damn about me?

"I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby.
Come with me friday, don't say maybe.
I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby, like you. "
Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

 "...It's time for makeup, perfect smile, it's who they are waiting for. 
Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl? And they say she's so lucky,
she's a star but she cry, cry, cries with a lonely heart, thinkin'
If there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night.
Lost in an image, in a dream but there's no one there to wake her up.
The world is spinning, and she keeps on winning.
But tell me, what happens when it stops?..."

Britney Spears - Lucky

"Long ago in my high school days, I watched a girl from so far away.
And every time she passed me by, I'd turn my head away and quietly sigh.
And when she walked by her hair would dance, a secret tango that only I could understand.
And if she asked me for the time of day, I'd look her in the eyes and quietly say,

"Kristina, Kristina, do you have any clue who I am? [Hell no!]
So listen up, cause I'll tell you once, and I'll explain myself the best that I can.
Woah Kristina, Kristina, you don't know me so I'll have to persist."
I'm kinda shy so no wonder why, Kristina she don't know I exist.
From class to class I followed her, but I swore I'd leave her undisturbed.
And if she ever stopped by and turned around, I got so nervous and I stared at the ground...

...1/17/98. It's been a day that I've come to hate.
As I walked into the video store, there she stood as my jaw fell to the floor.
Tapping her toe, waiting in line, with a movie and another guyyy.
Why did I bother? Why did I care?
About this girl named Kristina Behr?
Oh Kristina, Kristina, you'll never get to know who I am. [Your loss!]
Kristina, Kristina. Another name to cross off my list.
In another life it could have been nice, but Kristina she won't know what she missed."

Catch 22 - Kristina She Don't Know I Exist
"What's the deal, with my brain, why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation, I let love down the drain. 
There's the pitch, slow and straight, all I have to do is swing and I'm a hero. But I'm a zero.
Hungry nights, once again, now it's getting unbelievable.
Cause I could not have it better, but I just can't get no play from the girls, all around,
As they search the night for someone to hold onto. I just pass through.

Tell me there's a logic out there, leading me to better prepare for the day that 
something really special might come. Tell me there's a hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely for the rest of the days on the earth."

Weezer - Perfect Situation
"'Tis true, sir, love can still inspire the blood
to pound, the heart to leap higher. What more-"
"What more?"
"Can man require?"
"Than love, sir"
"More than love sir?"
"What, sir?"

"Ah, yes women"
"Pretty women. Fascinating... Sipping coffee, dancing..."
"Pretty women" 
"Are a wonder"
"Pretty women!"
"Sitting in the window orrr standing on the stair.
Something in them brings chills to the air."
"Pretty women"
"Stay within you"
"Stay within you"
"Stay forever"
"Breathing lightly..."
"Pretty women, pretty women!"
"Blowing out their candles or combing out their hair"
"Combing out their hair they leave..."
"Even when they leave you and vanish somehow
they can still remain there with you"
"Ah! Pretty women"
"At their mirrors..."
"In their gardens..."
"How they make a man sing!"
"Proof of heaven, as you're living"
"Pretty women! Pretty women! Pretty women!"

Johnny Depp & Alan Rickman - Sweeney Todd

"When I'm stable long enough, I start to look around for love.
See a sweet in floral prints, my mind begins the arrangements.
But when I start to feel that pull, turns out I just pulled myself.
She would never go with my were I the last girl on earth.

I'm dumb, she's a lesbian. I thought I had found the one.
We were good as married in my mind, but married in my mind's no good.
Pink triangle on her sleeve, let me know the truth. Let me know the truth.

Might have smoked a few in my time, but never thought it was a crime.
Knew the day would surely come when I'd chill and settle down.
When I think I've found a good old-fashioned girl, then she puts me in my place.
If everyone's a little queer, can't she be a little straight?

I'm dumb, she's a lesbian.
I thought I had found the one."

Weezer - Pink Triangle

So. Most of you know I'm a man who doesn't get any from the opposite sex, never has, never will.
Hugs, cuddles, movie viewings, hand-holding, flirting, conversing, and whatever the fuck else guys and girls do together these days that I don't even know about. Oh, and definitely not any of the most hallowed of these types of actions: kisses. But damn it, I wanted to make a post celebrating Valentine's Day in my own special way.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Remembering "Bob"

Well. Things were going great. I was planning on writing a sort of retrospective of all of 2016's things I loved. Had a catchy title. Talk a little bit about Christmas maybe. Well maybe I'll get to that post, but not today. To tell you the truth I'm only writing this post so I don't go to bed and sleep a few days away like I did two weeks ago.  Can't do that again. I don't know what to say. Or how to say it. Three or Four years ago I went back to Roger's (Mental Health Facility) for a second time in my life, but this time staying in the Adult part of the area. Although I couldn't really say I became best friends with any of the people I met during that stay, they did each leave a mark on me, one that I will never forget until I die. One of the men I met while I was there was... let's call him Bob. Everytime we were all in one of our "classes" we had to go to everyday, he would always make wisecracks about things, trying to make light of our situations, our situations being the lowest spot in our life for the most of us. His humor went a long way with us. He never complained about any of his issues or made excuses for any of them. I also remember his regret. His mind weighed heavy on the tole his alcohalism and blackouts and one or two relapses had on his parents. That was a lot of what he talked about, how he could change for his family. Like I said I don't remember a whole lot of my time with Bob, but for a very short time in my life, Bob and I were brothers, and I'll never forget that. And I'll never forget him.

Rest in Peace Bob. I love you.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

26 and Counting: A Shapshot Into The Life

Another year down. Another year without a first kiss, another year withou---yeah. I think by now you get the picture.

But with it being another year down, and another year without all that, even still I feel...good. Not excellent...but not fucking dreadful either like I typically feel this time of year. So why is that, is it... Games? Is it Movies? Is it Pets? Is it Work? Is it Family? Perhaps a bit of each!

Or maybe, maybe it's the half hour of 10,000 Lux Sunlight I've been soaking up each morning lately. That's right folks, I've bought into the hippy-dippy voodoo spiritual cockamamey bullshit I mocked for oh so long. It took a lot for get me to the point where I would try such desperate measures to try getting well. But life, that tricky bitch whittled away at me until I became just that desperate. And long story short, IT WORKS!!! Games, Movies, Books, Music, Internet, Food, Money, Shopping: I've tried fitting anything and everything into that empty hole in me but nothing stuck, until that last resort therapy lamp, FUCKING THERAPY LAMP did the trick!

Now I've only had the thing for a few weeks, but man can I see the changes already. I just hope I didn't just jinx it. It's cured my basic overall negative view of things, but the basic elements of my life have remained pretty stationary: games, movies, pets, food and soap. 

Buying games is a major addiction of mine. I am still spending 80% of my checks on them, still own dozens of games and even consoles I've never played, still have impulse control with buying countless of the little digital games off Xbox for like $15, $20, etc. I have a problem. But I am very certain this problem is soley the product of my vast loneliness, and will improve greatly come my getting a girlfriend. That's what I tell myself anyway.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Had the moon. But wanted you.

When I was younger I used to dream about what it would be like to have sex with a girl. These days I dream about what it would be like to go on a date, see a movie with one.


I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here. That's it. That's my creed, my motto, my slogan. Right? Right. But does it have to be? I'm starting to wonder.

I've lived the last seven years of my life based far too much on falsehoods I learned to embrace in the first eighteen years of my life. And for the first time, I'm starting to wonder if I should keep living that way. Or make a change.

It's something of a phenomenon, what happens when I see a girl or talk to one. The amount of self-loathing and self-shaming that takes place is ridiculous. "She hates you, the last thing on earth she wants to do is talk to you", "You're a fucking shit and will never be more", etc. things like that. It needs to change. And this is the first time in my life I'm thinking like this. So, what do I do to change this mindset I've had for so long? Changing my mind could change my life, but where do I start?

.....Naahhh, on second thought let's just stay the same.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Celebrating Star Wars///Boba Fett Technical Drawing

Hello. I created this image for a class and thought I'd share it with you, given the time. It's Star Wars time, that is. I have already seen the new film... twice. But the first time I saw it was on opening night, and it was a special time for me because I went with my brother to not only the new movie, but also went to the first six star wars films in the same theater beforehand. My brother, who lives in California came early on Christmas vacation so he could go to these showings with me. Yes, that is 18 hours. Sitting in a theater. Let me show you a bit of how that day went...

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Job Yes, Girl No.

"Do you want to be friends...maybe?"

That's all I had to say. That's all I had to fucking say. That's all I had to fucking say.

From the third day of class I have with this pretty, nice girl, I had this in my head to say to her. I'd catch her walking down the hall and say "Hey _______!" She'd say "Hey!" Then I would say it, "Do you want to be friends... maybe?" and then she would reply with something along the lines of "Yeah, for sure!" Then I'd be right there following up with "Do you have facebook?" Then she'd say yes and we'd exchange info and we'd all live happily ever after. I don't know, I wasn't honestly thinking about the after, I just... lived for this exchange to happen since the day I saw this girl. And I know 100% it would happen, or something very similar... If I would just grow the balls and initiate the encounter with her. As I said, I came up with this scheme in my head one of the first days of the once a week class after seeing her and now we're at, what, a few months later class is almost done and I'm still here dreaming while I still remain unknown to her. FUCK. ME.

Phew, sorry, just had to get that out. Anyway, how've you been? Aside from my situation with that would-be could-be, I'm actually doing great. I turned 25, which I saw as the worst thing in the world, and... I don't know, that thought of it being so terrible hasn't really changed, I'm just not thinking about it or dwelling on it. There are things going on that help me go on being so positive. I'd say one of the most effective is that I play video games online with a friend a few days every week. I actually went to elementary with him, we were good friends until middle school then we never talked to each other again until about a year ago, about the same time time I got my Xbox One. And lo and behold, he got one too. He's married now, and he's actually a cop, but none of that change really matters when you get engulfed into the trenches of video gaming with one another, talking non stop through the headset. After a while it almost feels as if nothing has changed and we're still pent up in his house in fifth grade playing Halo when I wasn't supposed to be allowed to play it. It's a kind of magic I tell you, and I think I have our weekly sessions to thank for helping me stay out of the negative that I used to live and dwell in.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Tyler Crazy

Again, I used to be quite close with my cousins, and whenever we got together we would play basketball. I can still remember it like it was yesterday: we were playing PIG, and it was my shot. I moved to where I wanted to shoot and just before I hurled the ball up I had a prominent voice in my head say to me "If you miss this shot your Mom will die." A very frank, stern and absolute voice. I think this is when I started realizing I may not be entirely 'normal.'

I honestly don't remember anything weird like that happening in my head ever again. That is, until a few years ago when I was in college. The bit of crazy from that day came back to me with a vengeance.

I know I have had my fair share of mental health-related issues throughout my life, but for the majority of life it had never creeped into my conscience, eating away at my sanity. Except for that one day playing basketball with my cousins and, again, a few years ago. So let me tell you about it. Let me tell you about the thing I swore I would never talk about for fear people would think I was unstable, insane.